my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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