My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Randomize
