she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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