I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
And then he peed in my hair
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