SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
