And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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