just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
