WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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