Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
