I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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