She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
