You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize