last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
