I feel great
I just peed on a car
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
