Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
