Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Randomize
