So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
