I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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