found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
