He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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