I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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