My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
time to smoke my breakfast
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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