It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
