I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
