so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
