He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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