Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
