I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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