My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
