I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
