im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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