I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
