nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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