ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
