i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
