well I can't set my house on fire every night
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize