When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
