Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
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