I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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