i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Even my vagina gasped.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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