But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
