watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
