Don't make out with my wife yet
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
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