no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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