I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Randomize
