Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
