we were pretty classy up until the second keg
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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