It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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