IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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