you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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