i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
