hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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