Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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