I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Randomize
