my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
