so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Randomize
