"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
