Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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