I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
