i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
God, I missed his penis.
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