I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
PANTIES FOUND
Randomize
